


dreams

by Idnis



Series: you say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Dreams, Gen, Poor Andrew, and very mixed feelings, andrew's pov, but also a little gay, gay mixed feelings, that's it basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2018-12-29 22:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12094380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idnis/pseuds/Idnis
Summary: A short story from Andrew's point of view. Ties in with 'you say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one'.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO  
> okay  
> I caved.  
> You convinced me with your comments.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

‘I don’t know about you,’ he said. ‘But I’m thinking that one’s a lamp.’  
  
‘A lamp,’ Andrew repeated flatly.   
  
He turned his head to look at him.   
  
‘You’re definitely not my creativity.’   
  
‘Hey,’ he said, offended, but there was a smile on his lips. ‘I can’t help if it looks like that.’   
  
‘I think you can.’   
  
He looked uncomfortable for a moment, as always when Andrew made a comment about the dreams.   
Maybe it felt like breaking the fourth wall.   
  
‘Oh look,’ he said suddenly, pointing towards another cloud, which, frankly, Andrew thought looked like a shapeless form.   
They all did.   
  
Still, he looked for _something_ in the condensed water.   
  
‘That one looks like your face,’ he joked.   
  
Andrew looked at him,  
at the grin on his face.   
  
_What are you?_   
  
When the grin on his face disappeared, Andrew turned away again.   
He didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by looking too long.   
  
Which was fucking creepy.   
Who worried about staring too long at a part of themselves?   
No,  
even worse,   
who the fuck wanted to make out with their own mind?   
  
Only weird geniuses like Einstein probably.   
  
Andrew pointed at one of the smallest clouds he could find.

‘That one is your size.’  
  
The offended ‘Hey!’ made Andrew’s breath stutter.   
  
It was almost  
  
fun.  
  
☁   
  
When Andrew opened his eyes, it was around 10 in the morning.   
Still too early.   
  
Waking up meant dealing with everything, everyone,  
waking up meant not being asleep.   
  
Walking into the kitchen, he found only Aaron still sitting at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee in one hand and a medical book in the other.   
Already preparing for the upcoming semester.   
  
Andrew said nothing as he started filling a cup with coffee too.   
Neither did Aaron.   
  
Andrew said nothing as he took the pill someone had left on the table for him, and washed it down with the coffee.   
Neither did Aaron.   
  
☁   
  
Hating himself for asking,  
Andrew looked at Nicky as he said,  
‘Have you seen any new people on campus?’   
  
Nicky raised an eyebrow.   
  
‘I don’t think so? There _are_ a lot of people though.’   
  
‘Th0ught you checked out every guy.’   
  
‘Well,’ Nicky said, grinning. ‘There was this one guy… All dark hair, dark eyes.’   
  
It’s not him.   
It’s _not_ him, Andrew told his speeding heart beat.   
Calm the fuck down.   
It’s just your imagination.   
Your fucked up brain thinking of another way to fuck you up. 

‘And he spoke Spanish,’ Nicky continued. ‘Honestly, that’s so hot.’  
  
Andrew clenched his hand into a fist.   
  
Fucked  
up.  
  
☁   
  
‘So how’s life, Andrew?’ Bee asked him, swirling her hot chocolate with a silver spoon.   
  
When he didn’t immediately reply, she looked up, her eyes friendly.   
  
‘How are the meds?’ she asked sympathetically.   
  
Andrew shook his head.   
No.

Understanding immediately, Bee changed the topic.  
  
‘Did you talk to Aaron today?’   
  
‘No.’   
  
‘Did you want to talk to him?’   
  
‘Not really.’   
  
Bee hummed and took a sip of her hot chocolate, but immediately winced.

‘Ouch, too hot. Anyway, would you like to talk to me about your day today?’  
  
‘No,’ Andrew said, and saw that Bee was ready to take over the conversation and talk about her day, but he wasn’t finished yet.   
‘My days aren’t as interesting as my dreams.’   
  
‘Your dreams?’ Bee asked, sounding surprised.   
  
Okay, maybe _not_ talk about this with Bee.   
Maybe not talk about this at all.   
Of fucking course it would be too weird to understand.   
  
But the meds made it very hard to keep quiet, to keep still, and the _itching_ .   
_the itching_   
Andrew gave in, his mouth twisting into the unwanted smile as he said it all.  
  
‘I want to fall asleep. That’s fucked up, isn’t it? But there’s more. There’s a guy in my dreams. And you know what? I want to fuck him.’   
  
Bee was silent.   
  
Andrew laughed.   
‘Do I get a reward? For finally shocking you. Bet you didn’t think it could get that twisted. Surprise.’   
  
But Bee shook her head.   
  
‘No, Andrew, that’s not what I’m thinking. But what do you mean ‘there’s a guy in my dreams’? Just once?’   
  
‘In almost every dream.’   
  
‘What does he look like?’  
  
‘Good,’ Andrew laughed.   
  
Bee smiled a little.   
‘What I meant is, does he look at all like you?’   
  
‘Oh no, we don’t want another one looking like me. No, you see,’ Andrew said, leaning forward. ‘I think you’re right. I think he’s a part of me. But. What does that make me, Bee?’   
  
Bee looked like she was deep in thought,  
and the silence was unpleasant.   
  
Andrew’s leg bounced up and down.   
  
‘You’re attracted to him?’ she finally asked, but it was just a repeat of what he said one fucking minute ago so Andrew didn’t reply.   
  
Her next question wasn’t a repeat however.   
‘What else does he make you feel?’   
  
‘Stop. Pause.’ Andrew said, holding up his hands. ‘He does not make me feel anything.’   
  
‘But you said you wanted to fuck him,’ Bee smirked, as Andrew sat in silence at her words. She took another sip of her drink.   
‘I’m not ancient enough to have forgotten that wanting to fuck someone is a very nice feeling.’   
  
She emphasized the word feeling.   
  
‘It’s not,’ Andrew replied.  
  
‘You’re evading my question, Andrew, but I’ll humor you. Why not?’   
  
Because it’s fucking fucked up.   
But Andrew wasn’t going to repeat himself.

‘Because it feels like I can’t wait another minute,’ he said instead.  
  
Swirling the spoon in her hot chocolate, Bee watched the liquid turn for a while before looking at Andrew again.  
  
Fine.  
He was at the shrink’s office anyway,  
might as well.  
  
‘And I have not felt that. Ever.’  
  
‘It’s a nice word, Andrew,’ Bee smiled softly. ‘Feeling.’  
  
‘Have you not heard how he’s a part of me?’  
  
Bee sighed.  
‘I did. But I also saw that look in your eyes when you talked about him, Andrew. You even used the word feeling twice. And in relation to yourself no less.’  
  
If Andrew didn’t like Bee, he would’ve pulled his knife twice during that sentence.  
  
‘The only thing in my eyes is fabricated.’  
  
‘I thought you said you stopped taking your meds shortly before sleep. Because you didn’t like sleeping while drugged… Ooh,’ Bee grinned. ‘Could it be?’  
  
Andrew waved her away, leaning back on the couch and crossing his arms.  
He wasn’t going to act like she was onto something.  
  
She wasn’t.  
  
☁  
  
Didn’t mean he could wait for Nicky to shut the hell up.  
  
‘We’re not twelve,’ he said in the darkness.  
  
‘Aww, but I thought you wanted to hear all about the new guys on campus,’ Nicky whined.  
  
Across the room, Aaron scoffed.  
  
‘Gross.’  
  
Yeah.  
  
Pretty gross  
wanting to sleep so badly  
just to be with his interesting, fucked up mind?  
Gross didn’t even cover it.  
  
‘I want to sleep,’ Andrew said,  
and it was the unveiled, ugly truth.

  
☁ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was  
> different  
> for me.
> 
> First time writing Andrew's pov. I hope this was at all satisfactory! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, back at it again. 
> 
> I had another little idea and decided to write it. This takes place before chapter 10 in 'you say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one.'
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

  
Kevin on a normal day was pretty fucking irritating,  
especially when they were near an Exy court.  
  
Seeing as it was Kevin, they were more often than not on a fucking Exy court.

Andrew could do without the unhealthy obsession.  
Which was fucking hypocritical.

Because Andrew could still feel his gaze on him,   
watching him,  
talking to him and then  
fucking apologizing.

Andrew scoffed and went to lie on his back.

The whole point of this was to catch up on some sleep while he could, not fucking angst about _him_.

It was hard to force himself to sleep at irregular times,  
but it was all he could do to avoid meeting him.

☁

Didn’t mean that it was nice being alone in that room.

Andrew sank down on the floor, crossing his legs as he looked at all the orange walls.   
He didn’t like being here.   
  
His eyes slid to _his_ spot without Andrew’s permission.  
  
Stop  
thinking about him.  
  
Andrew didn’t know why he returned to this room every dream.  
Maybe so he could get some peace and quiet to think about, well, whatever he wanted to think about.  
  
But that was the fucking problem.  
He didn’t want to think about anything.  
  
Forcing his eyes away from _his_ spot, Andrew stared at the cloudless ceiling.  
  
He did _not_ want to think about anything.   
  
☁  
  
Coating his waffle in a large amount of sugar and honey, Andrew didn’t look up as Kevin sat down across from him.  
  
Their silence had the lovely background noise of Nicky singing in the shower.  
  
‘I still think it’s good if you also go over them,’ Kevin said again.   
  
So Andrew ignored him, the effects of his medicine not fully there yet.   
He had _some_ blissful indifference, and he was going to hang onto it until the pills pushed it out with a smile.  
  
Kevin sighed in frustration.  
  
And the corner’s of Andrew’s mouth twitched, wanting to twist into a smile at Kevin’s unease.  
  
Not yet, Andrew told his mind.   
Finish breakfast first.  
  
He ate the waffle.  
  
‘ _Andrew_ ,’ Kevin said. ‘It’ll help if you decide too.’  
  
He drank his coffee.

‘You’ll be more invested. Besides, your opinion matters in this team.’  
  
_twitch_   
  
‘I don’t have an opinion,’ Andrew said, and heard that it sounded a little forced.   
  
He managed to keep the smile off his face though.   
  
Then Kevin had the audacity to pull a few files from his bag and throw them onto the table in front of Andrew.   
  
‘Especially this one,’ Kevin started, being apparently fucking deaf, and grabbing the one on top. ‘I’d like to get your opinion on him.’   
  
As if it would matter one fucking bit.   
Junkie.   
  
Andrew slapped the file out of Kevin’s hand and stood up.   
  
‘I don’t care about him, nor about Exy. I told you this.’   
  
A few pages fell out of the file, and Andrew noticed, because of course he noticed, that that seemed to be the entire file.   
A few pages  
and a blurry photo of a guy with black hai-   
  
Gritting his teeth, Andrew forced his eyes away from the ridiculousness and stared Kevin down.   
  
‘Get those files out of my sight before I burn them.’   
  
Kevin frowned.

‘As if we don’t have them digitally.’  
  
Andrew   
god, fuck this  
smiled.   
  
‘Everything can burn,’ Andrew said.   
  
‘You know, I don’t think that’s true,’ Nicky commented, walking into the room with his toothbrush still in his mouth.   
  
Andrew ignored him and started walking towards his room to smoke.   
  
‘What?’ he heard Nicky ask, then say, ‘I’m sure there _are_ though. Not everything can burn, right?’   
  
Andrew didn’t hear Kevin’s reply.  
  
☁  
  
Andrew was watching him watching the clouds again.   
  
Who’d want to watch fake clouds when they could watch a fake guy?   
  
‘I got it,’ the fake guy himself said suddenly, sitting up and looking at Andrew with a satisfied smile.   
  
Andrew scoffed, already regretting bringing it up.   
But for some unfathomable reason, he kept talking to him.   
Kept returning to him.   
Kept indulging him with his fucking Exy obsession.   
  
The thought echoed in his mind for what seemed to be the hundredth time.  
  
There was no way Andrew had made this person up.   
  
Andrew could ask for his name.   
  
could  
could  
would  
would not.   
  
‘Ice,’ he said triumphantly, that satisfied smile still present.   
  
‘What?’ Andrew asked, getting annoyed at the way his face wanted to smile in return.   
  
Yeah no.   
In his dreams, he didn’t have to fucking smile for once.   
  
‘Ice doesn’t burn,’ he explained. ‘It just melts.’   
  
‘Why the fuck did you think of an answer.’ Andrew grunted.   
  
‘I can usually find an answer to questions.’   
  
Andrew sat up.   
Fuck it.   
  
‘Are you real?’ he asked.   
  
His dark eyes didn’t leave Andrew as he replied,  
‘Yes.’   
  
Figured.   
  
‘That’s what I would say, if I wasn’t real,’ Andrew said and laid down again, this time watching the clouds move above his head.   
  
One of them looked like  
a fucking cloud.

‘Why’d you ask then?’ he grumbled, but went to lie beside Andrew as well.  
  
The space between their arms,  
between their hands  
was irritatingly noticeable.   
  
☁

‘Coach, I think he has potential,’ Kevin argued his point for the 27th time.

As was his usual reaction, Coach read over the file once more before grabbing another from the pile.  
  
‘It just doesn’t sit well with me that his file’s so short. We don’t know much about him.’   
  
‘So?’ Kevin said. ‘We’ve seen a clip of him. He has great potential and an even better motivation.’   
  
‘So do serial killers,’ Coach grunted.   
  
‘Coach got a point,’ Andrew said, just to see the look of irritation on Kevin’s face.   
  
‘Wasn’t the point,’ Kevin said slowly, clearly annoyed, ‘To give everyone a second chance?’   
  
Total bullshit.   
  
But Coach seemed to be doubting.   
  
‘And you think,’ Coach said, looking at the file, ‘That Neil Josten deserves a second chance?’   
  
Probably not, Andrew thought.

‘Yes,’ Kevin said.  
  
☁ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope this is at all an interesting addition to the story. 
> 
> It certainly is interesting to write.  
> But still difficult.
> 
> Thanks for reading anyways <3 !


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another little snippet of Andrew's minddd. 
> 
> Takes place during chapter 13, but it's probably best if you read chapter 13 first, and then this.

His eyes flew open.

While his breathing calmed down, Andrew stared at the ceiling for a good ten minutes, then kicked off his blanket to go to the bathroom.  
  
He hated feeling like this.  
  
Not giving a flying fuck about whether or not he woke up the rest, Andrew turned on the shower and stripped off his clothes.  
They stuck to his sweaty skin.  
  
Disgusting.  
  
In the shower, Andrew immediately wiped a hand over his stomach, cleaning away the mess.  
  
It had been a dream,  
but the way his body felt slow, satisfated and sated was pretty fucking real.  
  
☁  
  
Kevin was delighted to find Andrew up this early.  
  
Andrew took a sip of his coffee.  
Glad to know Kevin benefitted from his sex dreams too.  
  
When Andrew heard the telltale signs of Nicky waking up and getting ready to take his shower, he abruptly stood from the table and walked towards the door.  
  
‘Let’s go.’  
  
Kevin immediately followed, a stupid, hopeful expression on his face.  
  
☁  
  
Talking about stupid,  
Andrew pointedly ignored Neil’s looks all morning.  
  
It was childish to pretend that when he didn’t see them, they didn’t exist,  
but that was the great thing about feelings, wasn’t it?  
  
You couldn’t fucking see them.  
  
☁  
  
From the moment Nicky walked into the lounge, he was himself.  
  
‘So about Neil,’ he started, sitting down on the other end of the couch.  
A good distance from Andrew.  
Smart.  
  
‘How did you two meet?’  
  
He invaded my dreams one day,  
saw every disgusting little thing about me and  
continued to lie to me for a year.  
  
Andrew said nothing.  
  
‘How long have you known each other?’ Nicky continued, as expected.  
  
When Andrew didn’t reply again, Nicky crossed his arms.  
  
‘You’re impossible to work with. Come one, give me some details. Why did you punch him when you saw him?’  
  
‘He asked for it.’  
  
Nicky sighed.  
  
‘I’m pretty sure nobody asks for getting punched.’  
  
Andrew smiled at Nicky.  
  
‘Then you have no people skills.’  
  
There was a pause in which Nicky seemed to have some uncomfortable thoughts, because he looked pained for a second.  
  
But he quickly recovered.  
  
‘Pot, kettle,’ he said, pointing towards Andrew. ‘Anyway. Why did Neil look so shocked to see you? Why did _you_ look so shocked to see him? Honestly, Andrew, it all felt like a teen drama.’  
  
Renee and Allison chose that moment to walk in, followed by Matt and Dan.  
They looked uncomfortably at Andrew, then curiously at Nicky.  
  
Bet they wouldn’t dare to ask a question.  
  
After a few awkward moments of silence, Nicky shifted on the couch, then continued his onslaught.  
Andrew sighed at the predictability of the others.

‘Did you meet online?’ Nicky tried. ‘Were you in a hardcore online fandom, frequently visiting a forum where you met this troubled yet like-minded youth?’  
  
Matt snorted.  
  
‘I don’t think that’s likely.’  
  
‘Why not?’ Nicky asked.  
  
‘Neil doesn’t know a lot about computers.’  
  
Nicky’s mouth fell open.  
  
‘Wait, seriously? How’s _that_ possible?’  
  
As if on cue, Neil walked into the lounge, looking like-  
_nothing_.   
  
Nicky fell silent, while Matt looked a little sheepishly at Neil.  
  
‘Hey, did Wymack drive you?’ he asked.

Neil nodded, then turned to Kevin.  
  
‘He wants to speak with you in his office first.’  
  
While Kevin stood up and walked away, Andrew saw Neil doubting where to sit.  
  
Just fucking sit on the couch.  
It’s what Neil wanted every time, so why not ask for it now with that smug smirk that made Andrew itch to wipe it away.  
With his fists or mouth, both were fine.  
  
‘Hey Neil,’ Nicky piped up. ‘How would you describe your first meeting with Andrew?’  
  
Oh, it was a different question than Andrew had expected, and he found himself  
interested  
in the answer.  
  
Neil seemed to think for a moment,  
and so didn’t see how all those losers leaned closer, apparently all fucking interested.  
  
‘I guess dangerous?’  
  
Oh yeah.  
The building.

Nicky seemed to deflate on the couch.  
  
‘Well, yeah, _obviously_ ,’ he said.  
  
Rude.  
  
‘But also,’ Neil somehow continued. Why the fuck would he? ‘Somewhat grounding.’  
  
Grounding on a high building?  
Was that supposed to be poetic?  
  
Before Nicky could say something, Andrew interrupted them.  
  
‘Neil, meet the rest. Allison, Renee and Dan.’

Dan smiled at him while Matt turned wide-eyed, guilt all over his face.  
  
‘Shit. Sorry, Neil,’ he apologised. ‘We completely forgot to introduce you.’  
  
Neil waved it off,  
probably just as interested in them as he was in tennis,  
but he still cast a cursory glance at the girls.  
  
No, Andrew did not fucking notice  
that Neil didn’t notice Allison’s dress.  
  
‘Hey Neil,’ Renee greeted him.

‘So, you going to tell us about how you know our monster here?’ Allison asked, skipping the politeness and going straight for the kill.  
  
Neil shifted nervously from his left leg to his right, so Andrew slid to the side of the couch.  
  
Neil quickly sat down beside him.  
  
‘It was pretty normal,’ Neil said, but they didn’t seem to believe him.  
  
Maybe they weren’t so dumb after all.  
  
Then, after a pause.  
  
‘I still think it’s weird,’ Nicky said.  
  
The understatement of the year.  
Everything about this situation was fucking weird.  
  
☁

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gosh it's so interesting and difficult to write this... and I keep saying this, I know, I'm sorry, but every time I've written something for this story, it feels like I just sort of throw it online like 'well there goes that'  
> and then anxiously continue writing the main story ahhaha.
> 
> thanks for reading <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during chapter 20 and 21, so after Kathy's show, but as with the last one, better to read chapter 20 and 21 first and then this. 
> 
> Enjoy!

  
Andrew let Neil walk in front of him,  
though walking wasn’t the right word for the dragging steps Neil was currently taking before falling down in his seat.   
  
Behind the tiredness, there was a sheepish guilt in Neil’s eyes.   
  
The fucker knew damn well what he’d done.   
  
☁   
  
Of course, the first time Andrew didn’t really mind someone touching him so casually,  
it was because Neil was bleeding so much he’d lost consciousness.   
  
Shit.   
  
Andrew tried to move Neil gently,    
and eventually opted for letting him lie on his lap so that they’d be out of sight of the others.   
  
In a different world,  
Andrew thought as he looked down at Neil’s sleeping face.   
  
But they’d already met in a different world, hadn’t they?  
  
☁  
  
As was usually the case, Andrew stared outside the window while the bus got closer and closer to Palmetto again.   
  
Thank god.   
  
He would be able to undo the mess,   
fix the stitches  
and protect Neil from bleeding to death.   
  
But then something warm and wet formed underneath Andrew’s hand,  
something that was not not supposed to happen  
and Andrew looked down at his palm.   
  
It was stained red  
with Neil’s blood.

A wound on his stomach?

It definitely wasn’t panic  
that made Andrew’s breath come in short gasps  
as he lifted Neil’s shirt    
and to his horror  
saw letters appear slowly  
too goddamn slowly  
_ in _ Neil’s skin.   
  
Who the fuck-  
Riko.   
  
This wasn’t Neil passed out.  
This was Neil being drugged   
so he could be tortured.   
  
Before all the letters were written,  
Andrew already knew which word it would say and-  
  
His blood was boiling,  
threatening to burn everything,  
not caring that he’d probably get scars in return.   
  
His promise  
his fucking promise.

He was going to break it because he couldn’t do anything,  
because he couldn’t fall asleep with adrenaline coursing through his veins.  
  
Andrew wanted to rip apart the skin on Riko’s stomach  
for making him break his promise.  
  
But he immediately made a new one.  
  
Riko _would_ suffer for this.  
  
It took everything Andrew had to keep calm and quiet  
the drugs using their spindly fingers to shake his arms,  
to push against his back,  
wrapping around his chin to pry his mouth open and make him-  
do something

_ anything. _ __  
__  
Andrew waited quietly in the back of the bus for Neil to wake up,  
afraid that jostling him awake would make the wounds hurt worse and the blood flow faster than Andrew’s heart was pounding.   
  
☁   
  
Kevin was holding Matt back.   
Barely.  
It was quite the struggle.   
  
‘I’ll knock you unconscious,’ Matt threatened, eyes glaring at Andrew while he was fighting against Kevin’s hold.

He nearly managed to get free.

‘You’ll punch me while I’m holding Neil?’ Andrew laughed, 

but at the same time he was listening to Coach calling Abby.   
  
Matt looked livid.   
‘It’s not like I can hurt him any worse than you already did!’    
  
‘Hey, Andrew did nothing,’ Nicky said, but the statement lacked his usual confidence.  
  
‘How can you be sure?’ Allison asked, taking a step forward. ‘How did he get those wounds then? Don’t tell me they just magically appeared?’   
  
Apparently Allison wasn’t as stupid as Andrew had thought.    
  
‘Of course not,’ Nicky frowned. ‘But you don’t know what happened. You’re just shouting accusations without knowing what really happened. Ever think maybe Andrew is helping Neil?’   
  
Matt scoffed,  
and Allison looked equally skeptic.   
  
‘Leave it, Nicky,’ Andrew said.   
  
‘But-’   
  
Andrew shut him up with a stare.   
  
It was of no use  
and totally irrelevant anyway.   
  
Abby arrived,  
which was enough distraction for Matt to wriggle himself loose and quickly move to the other side of Neil.   
  
‘I’ll carry him inside,’ he said, grabbing one of Neil’s arms.   
  
Absolutely not.   
  
‘I can carry him.’   
  
‘To his grave, you mean,’ Matt muttered.   
  
Andrew didn’t answer.  
He also didn’t release his hold on Neil.   
  
‘Guys,’ Wymack grunted.  ‘Carry him inside the car. Now.’   
  
The irritation on Matt’s face was funny,  
and Andrew laughed  
while they both carried Neil’s bloodied body into the car.   
  
It probably looked scary as fuck.   
  
☁   
  
But to Andrew  
it was scary as fuck.   
  
His hands were shaking and twitching at his side while he waited for Coach to finish the extremely boring scolding.   
  
He wanted to do something  
he wanted to act  
he didn’t want to stand still.   
  
He wanted to get back to Neil because nervous little Kevin was sitting by his side and if Neil woke up and learned what had happened,  
Andrew wanted to be there.   
  
Fuck, he’d used the word wanting a lot.   
  
‘Andrew,’ Wymack snapped his fingers in front of Andrew’s face. ‘Listen to me.’ 

‘I’m trying. You’re just repeating the same things. Over and over again. Hard to focus, Coach.’

‘Yeah well, you’d better fucking focus on me. You’re not coming near Neil again, you hear me?’   
  
To be expected.   
Just like everything, this didn’t even hurt anymore.   
  
Andrew tilted his head to the side as he observed Wymack’s angry expression.

‘Afraid I’m going to carve up your new investment?’

‘No I’m afraid you’re going to kill that boy,’ Wymack spit out. ‘Fuck, Andrew. If you didn’t do it, then tell me. Explain to me what happened.’   
  
Well that would be useless, wouldn’t it?

A smile made its way onto Andrew’s face as he stared silently at Wymack, who looked  frustrated and ready to bash his own head in.   
  
‘Then you leave me no choice. I have to keep you away from Neil.’   
  
Andrew laughed.   
‘You can try.’  
  
☁   
  
‘What did Riko write on my stomach?’   
  
Like ripping off a bandage,   
or probably more like tearing a stitch,  
Andrew said plainly, 

‘Fake.’   
  
The second before panic settled in   
was not enough time for Andrew to keep Neil from tearing at his shirt,   
but at least he was fast enough to keep him away from the bandages.   
  
Except Neil’s breathing was going too fast, fuck  
and before Andrew could do anything,   
he was grabbing thin air.   
  
Fuck.   
  
He needed to be there.   
He’d broken his promise, and Neil had gotten   
this,  
and Andrew was at least going to fucking be there.   
  
Looking around the court, he searched for something that would make him wake up.   
  
‘ _ Your heart rate needs to spike _ .’

Easy,  
he thought sarcastically.   
  
Andrew walked up the stairs and seats surrounding the court until he was at the upper ring, then walked to the side.   
  
His mind was predictable, and soon the seats, the floor,  
stopped  
and Andrew was standing near the edge.   
  
Wind rustled his hair.   
  
Beneath him,  
he could see a street,  
and tiny buildings.    
  
He’d wake up before he hit the ground, he knew that.   
  
But the beating of his heart was like a hammer  
pounding down on him,   
keeping him from moving.    
  
Except Neil’s panicked and  
scared face flickered through his mind   
and well fuck.   
  
Andrew would fall for Neil.

He took a step forward,   
into nothing.   
  
Wasn’t the first time anyway.   
  
☁

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually already have the next one planned for once :) 
> 
> Hope you thought this was a nice lil' addition. 
> 
> Thanks for reading guys! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I really wanted you guys to know  
> what Kevin needed to ask Andrew.
> 
> (takes place during chapter 28, and as per usual, I recommend reading chapter 28 first then this)
> 
> Enjoy!

So that’s what it was like to dream alone.   
  
Andrew had almost forgotten how it felt.   
  
It was  
pretty-   
no fuck that, there was nothing pretty about it.   
It was    
ugly   
lonely.   
  
☁  
  
It had become a thing Andrew didn’t allow himself to think back on.   
  
Don’t. Think. About.    
  
But that fucking failed, didn’t it?    
  
Because everything he said he couldn’t think about Neil, he fucking thought about him.   
  
Fuck.   
  
☁

Andrew’s dreams were boring.   
  
Really boring.   
  
Until.

‘You really know how to make it hurt.’   
  
As if he hadn’t tried for weeks to bury it beneath layers and layers of denial,    
the name echoed through his mind.   
__  
__ Neil .   
  
Andrew quickly turned around and saw  
well, not exactly Neil.   
  
At first he thought it was his own mind shoving in his face what he secretly longed for,   
but Andrew had never altered Neil’s appearance.    
Why the fuck would he?    
  
Andrew walked towards Neil before he could convince himself it was a bad idea.  
  
And then.   
Standing in front of him,  
observing the changes,  
but  
still finding Neil underneath.   
  
Except Neil’s bottom lip was trembling, and it looked like he was going to cry and unless Kevin drastically upped his game,  
that was new.   
  
Just to make a point,  
he told himself as he reached out and tugged on Neil’s hair.   
Just to make a point.   
  
‘New colour. And no contacts.’   
  
‘Don’t be surprised,’ Neil tried to speak, but his voice sounded fucking terrible.    
What the hell?   
‘You never believed I was real.’

It was  
a huge fucking step back in Neil’s mental state.   
  
‘What happened?’ he asked, wondering who could’ve brought it about but-   
  
He had the uncomfortable feeling it was the number one dipshit.   
  
Then Neil said  
‘Nothing.’  
And Andrew knew for a fact that it was definitely  __ something  
knew it for certain when Neil tried to run away from him,   
something he’d never done before in their dreams.  
  
Or reality.   
  
‘Neil. What’s wrong?’   
  
Andrew could see Neil’s eyes glaze over with tears he was probably holding in,  
as he said with a broken voice,

‘Everything.’   
  
Andrew had never been so mad before about being right.   
  
‘Tell me.’   
  
‘How?’   
Neil’s voice sounded frantic.  
‘How can you keep asking me to tell you, after everything you’ve seen? After everything you know?’   
And then he was shaking his head,   
like it wasn’t important  
like it wasn’t worth sharing.   
  
‘Nevermind. You’re not real,’ Neil whispered. ‘This is not real. None of this is real.’   
  
Something inside Andrew wanted to shake Neil,  
very aggressively  
while another part, the disturbing part of him  
wanted to hold Neil.   
  
It was impossible however,   
when Neil said,   
‘Just leave. I just need to stay gone. I need to stay asleep and everyone will be safe. That was the deal.’   
  
The fuck was this guy talking about.   
  
Andrew didn’t like where this was going,  
the feeling that something was wrong   
growing  
and taking a definite shape.   
  
The shape of that douchebag.

‘Neil,’ Andrew said,  
as he watched Neil walk away.  
  
‘Neil,’ he said again,  
as Neil reached for the door handle,  
because he wasn’t going to use _that_ word.  
  
And only because Neil turned around  
did Andrew ask,  
‘If this is not real. Tell me something that is.’  
  
Neil’s bright blue eyes didn’t look at the ground or to the side or wherever people look when they’re going to tell a lie.  
Neil’s blue eyes stayed on Andrew as he said in that horribly broken voice,  
‘I wanted to stay for you.’   
  
As Neil closed the door on this dream,  
Andrew could relate to his voice.  
  
☁  
  
The world was just as bleak and boring as before he’d been completely drugged out.

Andrew did not miss the abnormally bright colours  
or the five feet thick fluffy blankets that absorbed all impact.   
  
He also hadn’t missed Kevin’s serious face  
but there it was  
in front of him.

Andrew walked past Kevin without sparing him another glance,  
and after a second too long, Kevin followed.   
Probably hurt that Andrew didn’t say anything.  
  
And standing near the desk where they would determine if Andrew was safe enough for the outside world,  
was Aaron.  
  
If Aaron talked to him,  
Andrew would reply.  
  
But he made it to the door without talking to anyone.  
What an unfunny joke.  
  
☁

Walking towards the car.  
  
Andrew would not fucking ask.  
  
Inside the car, driving.  
  
He would not fucking ask.  
  
Also,  
it felt good to drive again.  
  
Walking towards the Tower.  
  
He would not. fucking. a-  
  
‘Where’s Neil?’  
Andrew said his first words after leaving the facility.  
Typical.  
  
Kevin seemed to freeze.  
  
Oh no.  
No,  
that wouldn’t do at all.  
  
Andrew turned towards Kevin, who looked anywhere but at Andrew,  
but to his mild surprise,  
it was Aaron who stopped walking and answered.  
  
‘He’s at Evermore.’  
  
No, that wouldn’t do at all.  
  
Andrew narrowed his eyes at Kevin.  
‘Explain.’  
  
‘He left after Riko threatened us.’  
  
‘Course he did.  
Fucking martyr.  
  
‘Is he coming back?’  
  
The words had barely left his mouth before Andrew recalled with sharp clarity,  
‘ _I just need to stay gone. I need to stay asleep and everyone will be safe.’_  
  
Fuck.  
  
Andrew turned around,  
walking towards his car again.

‘Wait,’ Kevin called out,  
as if he’d expected Andrew to listen.

‘Neil told me to ask you something.’

Andrew was listening.  
  
He stopped walking and waited for Kevin to catch up.   
Behind him, Aaron was watching them with a frown, as if he couldn’t decide whether it was his problem or not.   
  
It was better if it wasn’t.    
  
They were standing out of earshot anyway.   
  
In front of him, Kevin was fidgeting with his hands, running them through his hair and looking…  
guilty.   
  
It wasn’t as if Andrew had expected Kevin to do anything selfless.

Still it was hard to hold onto the numbness.   
Unbelievable.   
The point of getting off his drugs  
was getting off them.  
Not finding a replacement.   
  
No, Andrew thought, as he watched Kevin’s lips form the words,  
hearing Neil behind them.  
  
‘What do you want?’    
  
It wasn’t the same.   
Andrew had never wanted the drugs.   
  
☁

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really enjoyed writing this one.
> 
> Ugh, these boys.
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


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